You've had them, I've had them and hopefully you delete them. I'm talking about those scamming letters from some African dictatorship country pleading for assistance to liberate Millions of dollars from the country. What do you get from it - a percentage (normally about 10%) of the funds. Sounds too good to be true ? Well it is - wake up and smell the coffee.

This email comes to me from Mark Pictor, I don't normally use the ones people send me but I had not had any in my own mailbox for a while so it was opportune.

21st January

Dear Sir,

Naturally this mail will come to you as a surprise, but if I may crave your indulgence, I am FELIX WALIMU, the first son of DODI WALIMU, the most Popular black farmer in Zimbabwe who was recently murdered in the land dispute in my country.I appeal to you to exercise a little patience and read through my mail and I
guarantee you will not have wasted your time.

Before the death of my father, he had taken me to Johannesburg to deposit the sum of US12.5 Million (Twelve Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States
dollars) in one of the private security companies, as he foresaw the looming danger in Zimbabwe.This money was deposited in a box as gem stones to avoid much demurrage from the security company.

This amount was meant for the purchase of new machines and chemicals for the farms and establishment of new farms in Swaziland. This land problem came when Zimbabwean President Mr Robert Mugabe introduced a new Land Act Reform which affected the rich white farmers and some few black farmers. This resulted to the killing and mob action by Zimbabwean war veterans and some lunatics in the society. In fact a lot of people were injured and some killed because of this Land reform Act for which my father was one of the victims. It is against this background that, I and my family fled Zimbabwe for fear of our lives and arecurrently staying in a European country where we are seeking political asylum and moreso have decided to transfer my fathers money to a more reliable foreign account since the European Union (EU) Law prohibits a refugee (asylum seeker) to open any bank account or to be involved in any financial transaction throughout the territorial zone of European Union.

As the eldest son of my father, I am saddled with the responsibility of seeking a genuine foreign account where this money could be transferred without the knowledge of my government who are bent on taking everything we have got. The South African government seems to be playing along with the Zimbabwean government.I am faced with the dilemma of moving this amount of money out of South Africa for fear of going through the same experience in future, both
countries have similar political history.

I am seeking for a partner who I have to entrust my future and that of my family in his hands and must let you know that this transaction is risk free. If you accept to assist me and my family, all I want you to do for me, is to make arrangements with the security company to clear the consignment (funds) from their affiliate office in the Netherlands. I have already given directives for the consignment to be brought to the Netherlands from South Africa.

I have two options for you. Firstly, you can choose to have certain percentage of the money for your assistance in this transaction. Or you can go into partnership with me for the proper profitable investment of the money in your country. Whichever option you want, feel free to notify me. I have also mapped out 5% of this money for all kinds of expenses that will be incurred in the process of this transaction. If you do not prefer a partnership I am willing to give you 20% of the money while the remaining 75% will be for my investment in your country. If you are interested and willing to assist me you are at liberty to contact me via my private e-mail(felixwalimu@xxxxxxxxx.xxx). I implore you to maintain absolute secrecy and confidentiality in this transaction.

Yours Faithfully,

FELIX WALIMU.

Oooo more money, what will I do with it all..

Oh no, not Amsterdam again.. We'll see.

Giving me options...sounds good - I think I'll take the money and run.

21st January

Felix,

Firstly let me thank you for contacting me. I have read with horror the stories that Mugabe have been inflicting in all the farmers - not just the black ones.

What you say sounds relatively straight forward and I believe that at this time I'm willing to assist you. - Especially to outwit Mugabe.

At this time, I also believe that I'm interested in a percentage cut as I'm not used to dealing with investment - I generally leave that to my stockbroker.

Please advise at the soonest opportunity how you wish to proceed and what I need to do at this end to assist you.

Can you advise how you came about my name ?

Regards
Oscar

So I replied on behalf of Mark. The name Felix conjures up an old TV show - The Odd Couple so I opted to choose Felix's house partner - Oscar Madison.

Thought I'd pick him up on his black only specific mention.

22nd January 2004

Dear Oscar Madison,

Thanks for your swift response to my proposal.I am highly elated at your response.As explained in my original letter I need some help urgently so that my father's fund will not be confiscated by the South African Government.Due to my present situation,there is nothing I can do to avert this unless I get a foreign aid hence contacting you.

You are going to act on my behalf as the beneficiary to the fund by going to Holland to clear the consignment on my behalf or alternatively in the event of tight schedule,the consignment can be shipped to you in your country.This can be arranged and done through diplomatic means to avoid suspicion.Note that in all regards strict confidentiality has to be maintained because of my status here.But there is nothing to worry about as all modality has been taken care of and the fund secured.

Let me know if you will be able to bear this responsibility.On receipt of your follow up mail and your willingness to co-operate I will send you details and contact numbers of the security company where the consignment is so that you can contact them because they will need to cross check and verify the information passed on to them to ensure that they are dealing with the right beneficiary/company .Also I will need to talk to you on phone to establish mutual trust.I should know who am dealing with as a lot of money is involved.

However,I would require the following information to perfect the documentation with the Security company:

Name and Address of Beneficiary
Confidential phone and fax numbers of Beneficiary
Company Name and Address(if any)

I await your urgent response in this regard.

Regards,

Felix Walimu

Well he's quick off the mark - next day replies.

At this point he's on three seperate email accounts - The original one used to send it. The one I used to reply to and now another one that he's using as regular correspondence.

Felix,

Thank you for your wonderful note which explains I think everything at this
time that I need to do. I cannot forsee a problem with it.

To answer your questions on details.

Name : Oscar Madison
Address : Apartment 23, 51 Buckingham Gate , London. SW1E 6AF
Phone : 0xxxxxxxxxx (Best number for me - it's direct to voicemail as
the other numbers in the office are collected by my secretary since I'm out
travelling most of the time). It alerts me during office hours and I can
generally call back unless I'm in a meeting. The best Fax number is
0xxxxxxxxxx.

My company name is Nanomole Technologies
The address is 4 The Square, Stockley Park, Uxbridge, UB11 1BN

I can understand your reasoning to maintain the security of this transaction
and await your reply.

Regards
Oscar

This looks very nice indeed - have a look 51 Buckingham Gate

January 23rd

Dear Oscar Madison,

This is in response to your mail.I quite appreciate
your willingness to assist me.But you did not specify
the option that is most suitable to you.

Before I give you the details of the company in
Amsterdam and other details(security codes)related to
this project,I would want to talk to you on phone.I
need to know you better.I have to be careful as a lot
of money is involved.

Please call me for further discussion.My number is 353 86 0792 965.
.I await your call as a confirmation to the
receipt of this mail.

Waiting to hear from you.

Regards,

Felix Walimu

Oh dear I forgot to include some details..

Strangely enough - for someone who's in Zimbabwe he's got a Mobile phone in Ireland !!

Dear Oscar,

I called you but it was on answering.

Call me back so that we can talk.

Felix

I know it was - he's through to my answering service. He didn't say much but he's got that gutteral African English accent which is unmistakable...

January 28th

Felix,

A thousand apologies - I've been on a training course for the last couple of
days and have only just returned to the office.

I don't know what time it is in Zimbabwe at the moment - it's almost closing
time here in the UK so I will plan on contacting you tommorow if that is
alright.

I'm still willing to assist you on the basis that it's a percentage share of
the money. I'm not that great at investing it so a percentage would be
great. The suggested 25% of the money would be great.

Let me know what you require me to do.

Regards
Oscar

Jan 29th

I give him a call on his Zimbabwe / Irish mobile phone. We discuss what is required - I've got to travel to Amsterdam to sign the paperwork enabling me to get the money out of the security company.

I delay him saying I can't travel till Monday. Which he seems happy with - he then gets on to the topic of my personal circumstances (married, kids etc). I'll have to return the favour sometime.

I promise to call him tommorow with details of my flights. (Yeh right)

.

Dear Oscar,

Thanks for your call.I appreciate it so much.It shows we are moving forward.

I have submitted the details and I await your call tomorrow to further the modalities of concluding this project.

Regards,

Felix

Jan 30th

Felix,

Nice to talk to you yesterday. I've been unable to call you this past morning due to a series of meetings.

I'm booked my flights as discussed yesterday for Monday.

I'm arriving first thing on Monday at 09:20 on the BA 8111, returning on Monday evening at 19:55 which should give ample time to check and sign the documents.

I will try to call you this afternoon.

Regards
Oscar

Sunday 1st February

Dear Oscar Madison,

Thanks for your mail and nice talking to you too.I appreciate all your efforts so far.

The Security Company details are as given below:

Patrinuim Finance & Securities
1100 VG Amsterdam
The Netherlands.
CONTACT PERSON :HANS EDWARD
TEL:31 xxxxxxxx
FAX:31 xxxxxxxxxxx

Call them on the phone today to book an appointment for Monday.On receipt of this e-mail,I would want you to call me for last minute briefing.

Ensure to identify yourself properly as the beneficiary of the consignment by telling them your Name,the Identification Tag(Reference Number)which is 00678/PSCF/725.Please these details are important as this is what they will use to locate the consignment in their whare house when you get there on Monday.

I will give you the security codes on how to open the consignment when I talk to you on the phone on receipt of this mail.

I wait to hear from you and please do not disppoint me.

Regards,

Felix.

Oh yeh - as if I've going to pick up my business emails on a Sunday.

Felix,

After our telephone conversation you said you were going to contact the
security company to schedule a meeting for Monday - it's now the day before
I travel and I find out that I've got to make contact with them to book a
meeting. I thought that you were organising the meeting for Monday - I
happened to be in work today an picked up this email - I've tried to call
you and got a message saying you were out of service. I've tried calling
Hans also and it just rings out so I'm guessing the office is closed on a
Sunday.

I'm concerned that if I travel to Amsterdam tommorow morning - I will be
unable to get an appointment.

I have therefore cancelled my flight tommorow and rebooked it for Tuesday.
I will call you / Hans tommorow to make my plans clear.

Regards
Oscar

What a useless idiot... One minute he's doing it - now the day before I travel I'm supposed to do it...

No-ones mentioned any money yet. Wonder when that comes along...

Monday 2nd Feb

So I give him a call on Monday morning to explain the situation - explaining at great depth exactly what he'd said on our first call. Idiot.

He explains that I need to do it and asks me to confirm what flight I'm on. He then asks me to contact Hans to book a meeting for tommorow. I promise to call him back... Felix keeps reminding me not to disappoint him as it means the world to him.

So I call Hans in Amsterdam, and give him my name and Felix's name. He goes and checks it on the system.... Oh look it says that I'm the beneficiary so no problem there Mr Madison. What time are you coming over....we'll collect you from the airport... There is the small matter of fees that are payable (oh oh here we go).. which totals........mmmm 10,500 Euros (about £6,000 odd.). Mmm small change and just the sort of money I keep in a biscuit tin underneath the bed.

Of course the money cannot be released to me until these fees are paid. No problem I say.

I've got to call them when I get there on Han's number so their driver knows where to pick me up. I feel that this will involve a call back from them to ensure that I'm actually in Amsterdam but we'll see.

I call Felxi back later in the afternoon and give him the good news - he again repeats about four times that I've not to upset him. I think he's in for a shock...

Dear Oscar Madison,

Thanks for your calls today and your efforts so far in actualising this noble goal.

As discussed on the phone,all expenses incurred during the course of this project will be reimbursed once the fund enters your accounts.Do not worry about that.I am so happy that by tomorrow we should finalise the whole process.

On completion of the project tomorrow,call me instantly to share the goodnews and do not disappoint me.I am counting on you completely and trusting you with my eye closed.

Safe journey and I wait to hear from you before you leave Amsterdam back to the UK tomorrow.

Regards,

Felix

Tuesday morning... about 08:00, I call Felix - waking him by the sound of it...

I explain that we've had a car crash on the way to the airport and that I'm currently in hospital getting treatment. He says that sounds bad but will I be travelling to Amsterdam today. Well thats nice isn't it - we could have been hurt seriously in a car crash and all he's concerned about it making sure that I'm still going to Amsterdam.... I give him a story about waiting for some results before being discharged. I promise to call him later on in the day...

I also call Hans and give him the same story.... Again, apologetic but keen to get his grubby little hands on my money...

Thanks for your suggestions - Being unable to travel long distances so having use Western Union, trying to get money out of him since the insurance company had written off my car and others.... But I've opted to go with Tim Clagues suggestion of a bout of amnesia.

Accordingly I fired off this note, late last night to Felix..

Thurs 12th Feb

Sir,

I wonder if you can help me - I've just returned from hospital after an
serious motor accident where I suffered I'm told a complete week of amnesia
after collapsing in the ward whilst being checked over. I'm told that my
long term memory is fine but my short term recollections will be forgotten
and I'll probably have to start over again.

I've found this in my mail box and have honestly no idea what it relates to.
Could you enlighten me as to what the "project" involves ? I can find no
other correspondence, however it seems that my machine was hit with a virus
whilst I have been in hospital so perhaps they've been affected by this.

I apologise if this sounds strange, but I'm daily having to go through this
process trying to find out what I've been doing for the last month or so.

Thank you for your time and patience.

Regards
Oscar

----- Original Message -----
From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ""Oscar Madison"" <xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Thursday, January 29, 2004 3:16 PM
Subject: Thanks For The Call

> Dear Oscar,
>
> Thanks for your call.I appreciate it so much.It shows we are moving
forward.
>
> I have submitted the details and I await your call tomorrow to further the
modalities of concluding this project.
>
>
> Regards,
>
>
> Felix
>
> __________________________________________________________________

Monday 16th February

Having had no response to my email, I decide to call him up to see what the problem is... Perhaps it was because I called him relatively early (I know he enjoys a long stay in bed).. I explain who I am and have found his number. He hangs up. How rude... So I call him again. and start to explain my situation... no he hangs up. Obviously enjoys his bed more than money...

I've had enough of him - he doesn't want to play ball....

If you want some fun and don't mind making a call to Ireland which for those in the UK is relatively inexpensive..

Felix can be reached on 00 353 86 0792 965. His email is not getting bounced (yet) but he may be contactable on felixwalimu@netscape.net.

Hans can be reached on 00 31 645 034 150

Enjoy yourselves

I called him